topside
by dropping
Summary: A mysterious project that will restore Foaly's budget, let Holly have some time topside, and give Mulch a nice money-making experience. Not what you expect. : Based on Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare.
1. one

**My first fic. :] **

**If you recognize it, I don't own it. Eoin Colfer probably does. Mkay?**

"Council, please take your time in this decision."

Green skin, orange hair, and a formal black suit didn't impress the ladies much, but the sprite was more centered on the Council approving his plan. He'd go out clubbing with some real clothes later, to celebrate.

"He made a good case. Very professional."

"One accident, one security breach and wham, the whole thing's over and we've got twenty mindwipes."

"The LEP needs money and this would help. A lot...."

Behind the door, a breathless sprite eavesdropped. He skipped in, loafers sliding, when the security guard beckoned.

"Okay. You can proceed with your plan. But we want the LEP to be fully informed of everything that happens, for security detail. Every location, every participant. And, your company pays for everything- if there's a weapon lost or a mindwipe needed, it's coming from your bank account."

"Thank you!" The sprite giggled and skipped in glee. It was time to go dancing!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Holly Short's promotion was a good thing, really. Convincing a fairy with paper cuts and ink-stained hands to spend a few weeks topside was easy. The very mention of fresh air and they lose all concentration and forget to ask what the task was. And the task was usually demeaning, very demeaning.

"Holly, do you know where you're going?" Foaly asked from the Ops. Booth.

"Sort of? Topside?" She flipped the ship over again, breathing in the adrenaline. She'd just grabbed her visa and left...

"You'd be dead without me, you know..."

"Yeah, you're a pretty smart pony."

"Smart enough to direct you straight into a wall."

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TO: Foaly

Please, enjoy the carrot as you read. You may take my word that it's not poisoned, but run it through as many tests as you wish.

I am in charge of a multi-million dollar project, recently approved by the Council. It will serve many purposes, the main being funds for the Lower Elements Police. The Commander has agreed to use a large portion of these funds to restore your budget.

Your part of the project will require several weeks above ground and several more working on finishing technical aspects in Haven."

The letter continued for another full the page, detailing the project, but the centaur had stopped reading and started dialing his wife's number.

Some carrots were too tasty to refuse.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A dwarf bar, at night, is wild with tunnelers who forget their wives when the pretty girls start to serve drinks. Mulch was kicked back, enjoying some food and appreciating the party atmosphere. A dwarf he didn't recognized approached. "Mulch Diggums! How would you like some extra cash?"

The next day, he was singing an entertaining song with the drunken members of Brotherhood of Bog.

Pizza, pizza!

Fill up your face!

The bigger the pastry,

the better the base!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________


	2. two

b

**Author's Note: Anybody curious about the project and the sprite? x3. Hopefully, I'll surprise you. Anyway, enjoy (or hate, either is okay, really). I don't own anything. :] That'd be Eoin Colfer. ~dropping**

**[[Ohya and this first section really oughta be part of the last chapter but... I figured it was easier to just add it in the new chap.]]**

"They'll all be here?"

"Yup! All three! Within the hour!" Sprites really shouldn't drink lemon-lime soda.

"Great." Artemis smiled; Beckett wasn't compatible with soda either.

______________________________________________________________

The champod, shuttle, and deep hole in the grounds behind the Fowl Residence showed, quite clearly, the guests had arrived.

"Good evening! Welcome to Fowl Manor, old friends and LEP officers. If you'll follow me through these doors, we have some dinner...." He was still formal when he met new people; essence of businessman takes a while to wash off.

Inside, the spread of food on the fine dining table was impressive; Mulch swore he could smell the meat thirty yards away, through the dirt.

"So, what's this big money making experience I've been hearing about?" Mulch, in truth, wasn't greedy. He only wanted two things from life, food and gold.

"There's a little more to it than that, I hope. Or I've wasted an entire life's work." He chuckled, trying to play the part of a reclusive million. Artemis was better at it.

"So....?" Holly waved her hand impatiently.

"Yes, yes, the project. It will be a revolutionary three-pronged exercise. Artemis, how does this slideshow thing work?"

"It's all done. Just press the big red button." Artemis spoke slowly and patronizingly, wondering how the technologic imbecile managed to present this to the Council.

"Okay. So, most of probably have no idea who I am. I can't say I fit very well- I'm director of several amateur films you've probably never seen such asDinosaur Love and The Last Pixie. I'm just over 70 years old. My name is Eoin."

"Well, you're right about that not fitting in thing... Eoin, really, Eoin?" Foaly laughed and pretended that he hadn't been teased for his name all through elementary.

"Anyway, with that rudeness, I'd like to tell you about the project. It will raise money for Lower Elements Police, who in turn have promised to restore Foaly's budget. It will help to nullify the risk of exposure to humans. It will also provide fame and fortune for the individuals directly involved. That's us."

"A miracle project, how lovely. I hope we aren't stealing anything." Holly whispered to her centaur friend.

"So, basically, we'll be making a movie for the next couple weeks. It will be shown to both humans and fairies. The script is partially based on your adventures, particularly the siege of Fowl Manor and partially based on the Shakespeare play, 'The Taming of the Shrew.'"

"Shaking spears at shrews? Sounds violent. I like it." It's possible that Mulch might have heard more of the presentation if he hadn't been stuffing his face. Then again, it's possible he wouldn't have and he would have just missed out on the opportunity to eat 34 sandwiches in 15 minutes.

"No. William Shakespeare was an English playwright around 1600. He is regarded as one of the greatest writers in the English language. In the Taming of the Shrew, Petruchio marries Kate, an independent and somewhat rude young woman, and tames her into an obedient bride."

"And I'm the shrew, I assume?" Holly's death glare really was potent.

"Yes, you will be Kate..." Eoin mumbled.

"And who will be taming me, again?"

"Artemis, of course."

**Not what you expected, was it? x3 Good surprise or bad? Creative or trying too hard to be clever? And does that give anybody any title/summary ideas? When I was making those, I was trying not to reveal the whole movie thing. x3**

**Oh, and thanks to wikipedia for the Shakespeare information. I have read Taming of the Shrew, but it was a little less than a year ago so... We'll see how accurate I get it.**

**I was switching between Romeo and Juliet and Taming of the Shrew.... I thought maybe TotS was more appropriate for the Fowl siege. Because Artemis psychologically torments Holly....**

**~dropping.**


	3. three

**Author's Note: **

**:] New chapter and I still don't own anything.**

**Dedicated to my reviewers: Holly Marie Fowl & No Safe Haven & notsocommoncommonsense :D**

**Artemis Fowl & all (c) Eoin Colfer**

**Taming of the Shrew (c) William Shakespeare**

"Filming starts tomorrow; you can familiarize yourselves with the scripts tonight, okay? Foaly, there are some cameras I want you to look at. I'm not too tech-savvy myself and I have no idea which to use. They're in the other room. Everybody else, this charming lady over here can probably find you a room. The house is certainly big enough."

Eoin wandered off to show the centaur techie the cameras, leaving Juliet with nine people to find rooms for. The six trained LEP officers insisted on rooms in separate wings of the mansion, in order to best protect from intruders. Mulch needed the room closest to the kitchen. Holly wanted a window, for fresh air during the night. It took over an hour to get everybody situated.

_________________________________________________________________

"Is there a reason you set them on me like that? The short officer needed a west-facing room and wouldn't believe me because it didn't feel right. I had to get a compass and kick it through his nose until he listened." The officer would have a nosebleed all night and the compass from Butler's survival kit would be missing for months.

"Shh, Juliet. I didn't set them on you. The short one was a pixie and pixies are annoying." Opal Koboi had given the entire pixie race a bad image.

"Whatever." Apart from the wrestling medals and ability to kill anybody with various levels of pain, Juliet Butler was a normal twenty-four year old.

"Do I have a room?"

"No. You're sleeping in the kitchen."

"What? Why? Seriously, it's not my fault-"

"Kidding, you can have the one opposite mine, I guess. It's the only larger than a jail cell left, besides the family's. It's up the steps, to the right, across from slightly dented door."

"Okay... why do you have jail cell sized bedrooms?"

"Artemis the First is an interesting man. So is Artemis the Second..."

__________________________________________________________________

Holly was prepared for a simple recon mission. Holly wasn't prepared for filming or staying in Fowl Manor for weeks. She hadn't brought her music player or her toothbrush, just her Neutrino and communicator. "Fine, if that's the way you want it..." Holly had taken to talking to herself while doing paperwork as she rarely saw other fairies. Trouble had wanted her to visit the government-hired shrink, but she declined.

About a month ago, Commander Kelp had mandated that all female officers needed to wear undershirts and leggings in the field due to various accidents where male officers damaged jumpsuits in order to get their colleagues naked. At the time, Holly had regarded it as complete stupidity, but it came in handy now.

"Got that all sorted out.... Now about that shrew thing." The elf slid around, barefoot, for the next twenty minutes, looking for the white double-doors of the Fowl library.

___________________________________________________________________

In Ireland, in the Fowl Manor, in the library, there is a chair. In that chair, there is a young boy. His bodyguard leans against a nearby bookshelf. A book with brown covers and two-columns of small type is open. The words engraved in gold on the cover read, "The Complete Works of Shakespeare."

Shakespeare taught Artemis how to laugh, how to cry, and how to feel. Before his father's disappearance and his obsession with finding a fairy, he would sit for hours, reading and rereading, while Butler meditated. It was the only time he felt what normal was like before he met Holly.

Most children have stuffed monkeys or frayed chewed-on blankets, comfort items. Artemis had The Complete Works of Shakespeare. He sat in that chair and opened the book with brown covers and just stared.

____________________________________________________________________

"Shakespeare... To the S's!" Holly grinned to herself and followed the neat black and white signs at the ends of the shelves. The elf sung the alphabet song under her breath until she found the S row and went into an encore as she headed to the "Sh" section. A thick nothing sat between Shainberg and Shatner. "D'arvit. It's not here."

"What's not here?" The voice was empty and connected to a time traveling mind, remembering when he was six and he read Hamlet for the first time.

"Oh, I was just looking for a copy of Taming of the Shrew... To be prepared, you know."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I guess you Fowls don't like Shakespeare."

"No, I have it.."

"Oh. Can I read?"

"I'll pheeze you, in faith."

**I have an incredibly old Shakespeare book like that. It scares me, actually. xD It's crazy old, four or five (or six?) inches thick, and has every single play and sonnet the guy's written with translations for the weirder old words on the sides. Though, I downloaded the same thing on my ipod and it's not even a gig. xDD.**

**The last line of this is the first line of Taming of the Shrew. :] So, it's not mine. **

**It's part of the induction: Sly, a drunken beggar, is arguing with the hostess of an alehouse because he's won't pay for glasses he broke. The quote is some kind of threat.**

**Oh, yea, I need to thank the Artemis Fowl wikia and wikipedia for the random facts I needed to look up.**

**:o Reviews are nice.... *hinthint***


	4. four

**Okay. Sorry for the long wait. I had writer's block, schoolwork, etc. We had a big snow the other day and I was in such a good mood that I actually broke my writer's block. :] Didn't finish my homework, but ohwell. Anyway, today I had a snow day (or, a wimpy bus day because our buses can't take the cold, whatever).**

**Oh yeah, and I'm (hopefully) doing a research project about Shakespeare next week. :D Unless somebody else grabs the topic.**

**Artemis Fowl (c) Eoin Colfer**

**Taming of the Shrew (c) William Shakespeare**

**THE NIGHT BEFORE:**

"'Tis a wonder, by your leave, she will be tamed so."

"Is she tamed?" Holly asked, wondering at the transformation.

"It's a subject of debate."

"Yeah, but what do you think? Does she love Petruchio? Does Petruchio love her?"

"Yes, I think so...."

"Well, I know Kate loves Petruchio, for sure."

**THE FIRST DAY OF FILMING:**

It was like the movies first-year pixie film students make: cliche, cliche, cliche, explosion.

The director manipulated the set, the words, and the feelings. He chose the forest clearing outside the Fowl Manor that would mimic where Artemis caught Holly. He arranged the LEP guards just outside the camera's shot. He told his assistant, Juliet, how the makeup should look. He wrote the words; he had the ideas, the control!

Except, then, it all went downhill and cliche when the stars didn't show up. "Where's Holly? And where is the d'arvittiing Mud Boy?"

"Master Artemis has insomnia, an affect of time traveling, he says. It's typical he doesn't fall asleep before 3 in the morning. He can't wake up before 11 and still get the healthy 8 hours of sleep." Butler said, defending his principal.

"Hah, I believe he was up until 3, with Holly." Foaly added, snickering.

"Foaly! They weren't doing anything last night. I swear." Juliet glared at the centaur.

"Go find them, Juliet, please?"

"Okay, whatever."

**LAST NIGHT, AGAIN:**

"Artemis, would it be okay if I just slept here? I'm so tired..."

"I think Juliet might be a little annoyed, truthfully."

"I did make her get me a room with a window..."

"Come on, I'll carry you. Butler's been making me work out."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Thanks, Artemis."

**FILMING:**

"Okay, okay, let's run through it, once!"

Butler and Artemis crouched behind bushes, brown and green pant smeared across their faces.

"Butler, because of my great desire to see a fairy,

I have arrived in this pleasant forest of great Ireland.

With my father's disappearance and my mother's poor health and your company,

let us be successful here and institute a plan for fairy gold.

I am Artemis, son of Artemis, and I am to this forest come."

Holly, who'd been circling above, swooped in at this point. Red lights flashed.

"What company is this?" Artemis whispered.

Butler lifted the fake rifle awkwardly, disliking the light-weight, hollow feel.

"Stop, stop, stop! Butler, you're supposed to wait until Artemis gives you a thumbs up." Eoin yelled.

"That's not how it happened, though."

"That's how it happens in my movie. Run it again, from the beginning."

**Uh, yeah. That's all I have for now. xD. Some of the lines from the filming are based off Shakespeare's.**

**I had the first Artemis Fowl and Taming of the Shrew open while I wrote. :)**

**Anyway, still looking for a beta and still loving reviews. :]**

**~dropping.**


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